Mga Kwento ng Pinakawalang Tutubi

The other night:

At around 4a.m., as I drifted from deep sleep to a semi-conscious state, I realized that I was, for some reason, leaning over the side of my bed, with my phone in my hand. Sleepily, I tried to place it back on the table, only to feel it roll off the side. With a jolt, I woke up to the sound of shattering glass. I quickly sat up, turned on the light, and looked over the side of my bed expecting to see the shattered remains of my phone. What I found, instead, were the broken pieces of a glass bottle.


Last night:

I was fast asleep, but somehow aware of my surroundings: the soft hum of the fan in my room, the other pillow resting by my knees, the flimsy wooden wall by my bedside. It was then that I felt a slight sway in the room. Earthquake? I wondered. The swaying seemed a bit erratic. It would stop and start again at random intervals. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming, but I was sure that I was asleep, but I was sure that I was also slightly awake. (No, no, it doesn't make much sense does it?) The swaying eventually gained a sort of consistency, and went on for what felt like a good minute. (But, of course, if it was a dream, then it probably lasted just a second or two. You know how dreams distort time.)

I remember lying very still, and thinking that it must've been an earthquake for sure. I remember wondering if the swaying was strong enough to make the roof collapse, if the epicenter was in the south, or to the north, if my friends in Marikina were alright. I remember thinking of where I could duck and cover if things went awry.

And then it ended.

And I forced myself awake so I could check the internet to see if it actually happened or if it was all a dream. My friend, Antonette, who was still awake, replied to my inquisitive tweet that there was no earthquake this morning. (It was around 4a.m.) So I went back to sleep, amused at how vivid my dream was.

It was only during breakfast that I discovered that, about an hour after my dream, there was a 5.1 M earthquake near Bicol. (481km away from Manila.)

Strange.

i was once told
i once read
i once heard in passing: that there is growth in dreaming.

last night i dreamt that i saw you again. i tried to keep my anger at bay, but it kept coming out in different ways, ways that we could both see and feel. daggers in my eyes, the poison in my voice. it couldn't be hidden. i felt desperate to keep the emotions from you, and desperate to let it all out as well. so i poked you, hard enough that you almost bled.

out came a pitiful yelp. i wanted to hit you again, but i could see how close you were to tears, not because of my poking you, but because of that quick glimpse into my pent-up anger. you were truly repentant, but powerless in healing the wounds that you had caused in the past.

that was when i saw all that had festered up within me, and between the two of us. i knew that all my anger towards you was useless. and that revenge would only make things worse.

i reached out and pulled you towards me. locked in an embrace, i told you that i was so, so sorry, and we wept.

God knows how much I love Christmas. I love it so much, I don't even know how to explain it. But if there's one thing that I hate about the season, it's having to decide which parent to spend which part of the holiday with.

My parents have been separated for almost a decade now. And my mom's even remarried already. So far, my brothers and I have turned out alright. We've adjusted quite well to being a part of a broken family. But it's really during Christmas that we feel the strain of the situation.

While Christmas is my favorite holiday, there has not been a Christmas that has caused some sort of argument over how much time we get to spend with certain members of the family. And this year I'm under more pressure than usual, because this'll be the first Christmas my brother's coming home from the States, and everybody wants to be able to spend ample time with him.

This is when all the ugly comes out. It's when they either try to come up with some great vacation, or they make us feel guilty enough to want to spend time with them.

I am reminded of that story in the bible where two women were fighting over a child. Then Kind Solomon stepped in the help.

'Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.” ' 1kings3:23-25

In my previous post I talked about how I feel really out of place in my band. Whenever we'd get together everything we do is really just about the music (period), so relationships aren't really built between us. But tonight, I think we've all taken one big leap from being just bandmates to becoming actual friends.

Thank you, Tagaytay!

I really love how I'm a part of a band. And I really appreciate how lately it's been stretching me, musically. But I would just like to express how I feel really out of place in the band. When it started two years ago, I was good friends with the drummer, the guitarist, and the vocalist. And it was my first time to hang out with the bassist, but we got along.

But then the bassist went abroad somewhere, and our drummer got busy, and they both got replaced by these unusually quiet boys who have all these inside jokes that I don't understand, and then suddenly they all decided to start playing another kind of music that I was totally not used to, and all of them are really skilled at what they do and sometimes I can barely keep up with them, and it doesn't help that I keep catching Drummer B (yeah, we have two now) staring at me during practice! He has these big, piercing, judging eyes. It's like... Dude! Okay, you're a great musician, and I'm not! Please stop staring at me and my inferior musical skills.

That's all.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. I really don't feel like I belong in this band, but, again, I really appreciate how it's challenging me to grow, musically. But I do I hope that I'll eventually become good friends with all the members of the band. It's so awkward to be up on stage with a bunch of strangers.

First, I need to work on these insecurities of mine.
And, I need to go get some rest. We have a gig tomorrow.

Last week I went to Ukay-ukay and bought a bunch of clothes. After having them washed thoroughly, I decided to wear one of the tops today. When my mom saw what I was wearing, she told me that it didn't look good, that it was too long to be a blouse, and too short to be a dress, and that my shoes didn't match. When she said those things, I almost felt like throwing a tantrum. But I held all my emotions inside and acted as normal as I could. I went inside my room to change, but I ended up sort of moping for a few minutes. The truth is, I never really know what to wear, and that I'm always so clueless when it comes to fashion. So I guess getting my outfit shot down by my mother (when I was quite excited about it) was what made me feel so terrible. But then, I had to wonder, why am I getting SO worked up about this? And then I figured that I'm probably about to get my period. HAHA.

Ah, womanhood.

But, seriously. Deciding on what to wear is one of my biggest challenges in my life. I honestly don't know if my mom's right about all the stuff she said, or if she's just being conservative, because when I looked in the mirror it looked good. And, as Fine Arts graduated, I should know what looks good or not, right??

SOMEONE HELP Me.

I literally broke into a fever when I walked into the room you were in. And this isn't the first time this has happened. In fact, it happens every time I see you. EVERY TIME.

And you weren't even supposed to be there! I opened the door expecting to see four of my college friends, but no! There you were, pouring brandy into a shot glass. And where were my friends? Thirty minutes away.

Ah, well, c'est la vie.

Emotions do not (should not) always equate to our actions. By God's grace, I sat there as cool as a cat, waiting patiently for my friends. And then they arrived, and then we all left, and then my body temperature went back to normal!

Tah-dah!


The lyrics of "Chase" by Leona Naess describes how I feel right now, almost to the letter. The only parts that aren't true in my life:
1. "we drink and smoke..."
I don't smoke, and, well, I didn't drink a while ago. :)
2. "...and then I take a six train train home again."
I rarely take the train nowadays.
3. "Why do I always chase the ones that run?"
I don't always chase the ones that run. But if I didn't have enough sense in me, I'd probably be out there chasing after you. Which wouldn't be new to you, would it?

It feels like everyone around me is going crazy. It's like, one by one, they (we?) are all succumbing to loneliness, bitterness, unforgiveness, selfishness, pride, low self-esteem, self-righteousness, insecurities, neediness, rage, stoicism, and whatever other possible issues there are in the human heart.

Okay, maybe not everyone. But there is a good handful of people who are doing something destructive in their lives, or have done something destructive, and yet are not ready to admit it.

And they are all people that I love very dearly.

I'm going to start fasting this Monday, because I've reached the point where I know that I can't handle any of this alone. My mind, heart, and body are exhausted. I've decided to let go, and run straight into God's arms.

This is going to be interesting, because up until now, there are still parts of me that haven't reconciled certain ideas on spirituality. But then, to keep trying to rationalize it would somehow contradict the idea of the spiritual, right? That idea being something totally sublime, that attempting to rationalize it would only hinder us from knowing and experiencing it.

So now, I fight in the spirit.

THINGS THAT ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND:

1. How much weight I've gained since I graduated.

2. Writing songs, and poetry, and painting, and basically just creating.

3. My future home, and how incredible eco-savvy, energy-efficient, and beautiful it will be.

4. Achieving the impossible.

5. The mountains and the sea.

6. Bad boys, mean men, curious hearts, and the grace of God.

7. My deep-rooted insecurities, and my desire for attention.

Okay, I think I need to take a step back and review everything that's happening in my life right now. Everything seems to be shifting into and out of their places in such a way that I don't know whether things are in place, or displaced. Did that make sense?

I don't know what to throw and what to keep. Or I do, but all this clutter in my life is suffocating me.

But underneath all the mess, I know that there's some level of lucidity! At least, I hope so. No, I know so. It's just that there are moments when I'm carried away by all these opportunities and invitations and offers and new, crazy, fun ideas and adventures!!

I can start by learning how to say "no" again. No, no, I should start with reevaluating my list of priorities. First, I prioritize my self. My health, my body, my sleep, my rest, my food. And, of course, my spirit. My faith.

But after that?

Family, friends, career? Relationships come first, right? Family first, right? But I'm 21 and this is my time to ween myself from family, right? And I should be focusing on my career, right? But what is a life of success without friends and family by your side, right?

No, no, I've got this all wrong. There's a balance to everything. There's a time and place for everything. And... everyone?

Learn how to say "no." Give your heart a break. Be loved. Recharge. Hug a tree. Hide under your sheets and pray, then take a nap, then snack on some cereal. Let things fall into place. Let it be. Breathe a little. Enjoy.